A bowl full of thoughts.

I love my bed. I can lie on the bed any time during the day and I can fall asleep in minutes. As soon as its bed time and I would love to get some sleep my mind goes into over drive and my legs start aching. Its like little electrons going off in my legs and every 10 seconds I have to move, stop the aching that is driving me up the fucking wall. I swear to god its driving me crazy. So I lie there twitching like an idiot and my mind runs away with me, every thought runs into another, like a big bowl you empty contents into and mix it up and its just a goo of nothingness.

Have you been watching Falling Skys on a Sunday night. Well I walked out to go feed this morning and as I was walking across the yard I thought, What the hell would I do if  Skitter came thru the trees, making that weird creepy noise they make. I couldnt run, I would be to scared to run, i would cry, it wold see me, kill me, will it kill my animals, OMG! it would, and I would have to hide, then go round and collect dead animal bodies. Where would I go, there is nowhere to run to, I would just have to hide it out under the house and try and make my way back to the UK. How would I get there, I cant walk to Charlotte and catch a plane, the mama Skitter ship would blow it up and I would be stuck here and I would never see my mum & Ron again.
Who in thier right mind thinks of crap like that aye! It sent a shiver down my back and by the time I got to the duck house my utterly stupid thought had disintergrated.

Then Mary came round to see if I had any goats milk soap left she needed to buy a bar. She gave me money for a bar and money to order her 5 bars plus the shipping. All fine, no problem, then I started thinking, about the different flovours of soap, and I want to buy them all, but its going to cost a fortune. Its ok, I can buy 5 at a time in a small box. But what if I order some I dont like, I would have to use it. But its wasted money. I dont have money to waste. Im going thru a bar every 10 days ish. Is that alot of soap to be going thru in 10 days. It just all rolls into 1.

This afternoon I went out to give the ducks fresh water. I got looking at the Sebastopol geese. I dont know if I like the curly ones, I like my smooth ones better. What if the smooth are both boys. I cant sell the curly they might be girls, shall I sell 1 of each, but what if Im left with 2 boys. It went on and on. Why was I even thiking about selling them in the first place. Then Crick decided to do a head bob to Juno, Juno was not impressed by this little crooked duck at all and scremed in his face and my thoghts about geese faded.

I read Renitas blog about counting pennies, I sat there for the longest time thinking. I used to have a money bottle, I would put 1, 5s, 10s, and 25s into my bottle. Its been empty for a long time now. I used to put every spare bit of change I had into my bottle. I have done that for years, even back home from when I was a kid, I had a money bottle. I lost my job 5 years ago to job cuts, I havent had one since. I havent had money since. I havent had money in my bottle since, I havent bought myself anything since, the dog needs to go and get groomed, I have no money, I need new bras, I have no money, I need a job, there isnt any. I need a job, Boyd only wants me to work part time. I need a job, Im going carzy, I need a job, he doesnt want to be stuck doing animal chores all day every day. I would love a tub of Haagen dazs icecream, I dont have money, they are pretty flowers in that womans garden, I dont have money, I need a job. Damn driving me crazy.

What do you want for dinner?
 Oh I dont know, what do you want?
I dont know, Tell me what you want,
 Well what ever your having,
I dont know what Im having..
 Ill have a pork chop.
 Fine, slap it in a pan, throw a potatoe in the microwave. Now to think about what I want for dinner. I want a nice Chicken Korma, they dont have sauces like they do back home, so no chicken korma for me, ill have cerial, I dont really want cerial but I cant be arsed cooking. Who cooks in this weather, why do people always have to eat a big meal, why cant they have a cup of tea & toast for dinner. I hate cooking. I aint cooking ever again. Glad  I dont have kids to cook for, they would be living off cerial. Cerial is good for you.

Christina a friend in the duck group is having a baby, they are taking her in this weekend to have it. I got thinking,well, what if they baby got stuck, they will use those forcep thingys and clamp it round its head and pull. I wonder if we came out head and arms first like a horse or cow would they use cow chains to drag us out. And in a split milisecond all these thoughts and pictured were going through my mind at a million miles an hour and all I could see were guys in masks with their sleeves rolled up pulling on cow chains. Am I disturbed! Oh and you know me, I just had to tell her too, yep sure did, for everyone to see in the duck group. Steven thinks im crazy, Im starting to wonder myself.

Today I sent myself a promise. In an email. To myself! I cant tell you what the promise is, its just for me but I sat staring into space over my promise, thinking a million things in like 2 seconds, all running into each other. Thoughts not even finished and another begins, before Im half way through that thought another starts and ends with another. Never ending, driving me crazy. There is so much I want to say but I cant, not about anything in particular, just everything, its just a load of jumbled up crap, stored away for another time, Makes no sense to me or to you, but its there, in that big old bowl of thoughts .

1 day i might get them all straightened out. 1 day!

The ingredience are in there, I just cant get it all straightened out into nice little piles.

Now to go back to bed and deal with my achy legs again, my brain better sit still and let me sleep.

1 comment:

Crow said...

Oh Nicky. Your mind needs to rest. Not only at night, when your legs stop twitching and aching either.

I know this may be weird to you, but you may want to try some meditation. Meditation can be in done so many ways, you might want to start with a guided meditation. You don't have to do it like they show on tv, you do it however you can. The point of it? To stop and clear the mind. When you clear the mind, soul work can slip right in there.

I would say we all have those crazy kinds of thoughts. Yes, we do. But most people just shove that away and continue on.

I think you are very honest and upfront. Somebody who writes a email to them self, are MINDFUL. I am not yelling, I just want you to give yourself credit for being a mindful person.

I went to a group meditation for awhile. We would do guided meditations, the leader would not tell us what to think but would guide us to our own safe place to explore.

In my meditation I went up these stairs with dust and cobwebs on them. I opened the door and found my place.

It was a real place I visited in the Smokies, after a long hike in the morning. There was a clearing, and the dew sparkled on the tips of the grass. There were baby birds in that grass, and a chipmunk hopped up next to me, obviously wanting a treat.

Anyway, in that meditation I was there. After some time, I think the leader of the meditation group suggested we go open up a door to go speak to our higher self (the part of us who are connected with God or the great collective consciousness) I opened the door, and there she was, my higher self. She looked exactly like me, BUT she had no worry on her face. It was a worry free me, who knew that everything would be for my highest and best good. She was beautiful. You know the inside-out beauty that can't be fabricated. I saw me, the higher-self me.

I don't remember what else went on during that session. But I remember coming out of the meditation and being able to carry some of that with me.

That is what meditation does for me.

I know people say "I can't sit still, I can't stop thinking about what I am going to fix for dinner... etc. But, everybody goes through that. You just have to accept that those restless thoughts come in and you need to practice to let them go. Gently and without judgment.

Ok so if meditation is out of the question, there are all sorts of different ways to find that same sort of peace. I am sure you have ways.

Make it a point and be kind to yourself. I hope that email has some of that in it. I hope you have dreams and start reaching towards them.

If you need a vacation, I am not that far from you. We can have cereal for dinner. I'm not kidding, I was just saying the very same thing today. Ask Rusty what I would want for dinner. :-)

Synchronicity strikes.

I don't think you are crazy. I think you are sane. I think many people will be able to see that part of themselves, because you are so open about yourself. I did. You have me remembering I need to meditate more.

I think I will start a local group. Yup.