Home is where the heart is and my heart is here. Im glad to be home in Scotland, back to where I was raised. I dont regret leaving home and going away for 8 years, I had alot of good times while I was away.
The weather is turning here, I still havent worn a jacket. People in town look at me like im some sort of freak for walking round with just a short sleeved top on while they are all bundled up in their winter clothes..well, I say winter. Over here you can wear winter clothes all year but I havent had the need to do so yet. I think my internal thermostat is all set wrong. I sit in my room sweating with the window open. Its open all day and night so I can feel the cool air and night time is the best. I can hear the geese flying over, going back to the reserve to roost for the night. I need to go there, maybe 1 day, when I have a job, saved some money and got a car again I can go and see them as well as the ducks and the wild ponies they have there now.
I miss my ducks and geese.
I all the animals I had to give up.
I miss Emma.
Emma is in a good place, she gets lots of walks and loves, all that she needs. I get updated with photos, some days I can look at them, other days I cant. The mind starts to wonder, making me sick and I have to go do something else to change the subject in my mind. Shes fine. I know she is. Its me whos not fine, I just cant handle it all yet, some days its like it was all a dream, that its not real and maybe I will wake up out of it and the guilt will go away.
Some days the guilt is so thick it makes me mad, burns me up inside and the mind wonders with the what ifs of it all. Not the what If I had stayed, that has not entered my head once. I havent even thought of that side of it, I was hardened to that side, my animals where the softer side of me and the guilt that I upped and took them all away from what they knew.
I dont know why I torture myself over it all, its just the way I am. I have to stop or Im going to spiral down to some unknown inner me and loose myself in it all.
So going back to what I was saying. I lie in bed of a night and I wait for the geese to fly over, going home for the night in the safety of the reserve to roost for thr night, then they fly back over the house in the morning while im sat out on the bench in my mums front yard having my morning smoke. Those are my 2 happy times of the day. Small things amuse small minds. I dont mind.
Ive not been doing much during the day other than goose watching, this past week Ive read a book a day. I bought the Twilight series of books at the sale at Hatton Town Hall when I was there last weekend for all of $5 and Ive sat and read 1 a day. Im now to the point of ..I need to go join the library, my 4 books that I own are all finished.
Ive been applying for jobs. Ive had 1 interview...I didnt get the job! That was not a shock as he told me I wasnt what they were looking for in the candidate...he said in his thick Glasweigen accent. Hey buddy, at least i talk the Queens English. They were looking for me to turn up in a suit and tie I think. I dont own a suit or a tie...maybe I should go shopping.
Oh, Ive just remembered.
I cant open a library account. I dont have anything with my name and address on in my married name. I cant even open a bank account for the same reason. I signed on so I can get some money, they wanted to put it in my bank account...I dont have 1 so Im sat here, 2 weeks later still with no money. Is my cheque lost in the post to my mums house or are they still waiting for me to fill in the bank form to deposit it there.
As I said, Im glad to be home. Im living at my mums, thats a good thing too as I dont have anywhere else to go to. I Love my mum & Ron but living with your parents when you are 39 years old is...I dont know how to put it. But thats where I am in my life. I get up, have coffee, have a smoke, read the paper, go online, look for a job, check email and Facebook. Full Stop. Literaly.
So my next move, when ever that happens will be, to get a job, save some money, turn up homeless and wait to be given a house so I can build up to what i had before I left. Nice car, Nice house, me and my cats and 2 jobs. I would go back to that day in a heartbeat.
Maybe I will win the Lottery. I need to play it first, maybe then I will win. Then I can go back to what I was back then instead of sat here, still looking round like im lost, not knowing what to do with my life. Sat waiting for the geese to fly over. I will be hearing crickets in my head next, damn that would drive me crazy, I will take the geese any day of the week.
Im glad im home. I just wish things would happen so I can move forward with my life.
