For my better good

7th September 1.10am

I dont know where to start this Blog or even how to end it but it will end on the 17th September. I am going to start it now because Its going to take longer than 10 minutes to type it out, plus im going to cry my eyes out doing it.

It doesnt matter how it all started, its none of your bees wax. All I needed was an excuse for animals to be sold or rehomed. Words were said the 3 main words were JOB, FEED, ANIMALS. Thast all I needed, I was now on a mission.

 A woman I friended on Facebook through another friend was going through a bad time. She was leaving her husband, selling her animals and trying to find homes for them if not sold, selling what she could and moving her and her kids to another state. She was leaving the farm she had bult up from nothing and the place her kids call home. She had had enough! I thought, well if Kim can do it with her kids, I can do it and I dont have kids. She is a strong woman to do that and through Kims strength I was able to move forward. I just have kidamals, what am I ging to do with them all. My main concern was Emma, she is my baby girl and the light of my life.

I started a Blog, and did a few things on there, little stories about all sorts of crap. I was screaming in thse Blogs, silently screaming out to people...read my blog, read between the lines, HELP ME!!  1 day I got a phone call from my old boss from my Army days. He is very straight to the point and the start of his conversation was...Oi, I dont know what the fuck is going on but what ever it is, you need to get your ass home, I can read between the lines. AT LAST!!!! Someone heard me. My friend Mary had heard me in 1 Blog and told me I need to get out the house before depression sets in, I  just shrugged it off. I had to. But it was out at last, I was so happy, I cried my eyes out to Bob and his wife Les and I felt better. The next morning I was on Facebook and Christina shouts to turn on my chat so I did. I plucked up the courage to tell her what I wanted to do. She told me to go for it. I hadent said anything to Mary, but I knew I had to, I just had to pluck up more courage to tell her. For weeks I had been sat at home not knowing what to do and at weekends I would sit and cry my heart out. I took the plunge and told Mary a few days later.  I know it hurt, I didnt know what to say or how to say it but I just blurted it out. I think she went into shock, she didnt want me to go, tried to talk me out of it. No. I had to do it, for my own sanity and happiness. The mission was now on.

I took a load of my Pekins to the sale along with a bunch of babies that had just hatched the Friday before. It broke my heart, but I was sat there with all these people we see every week we are there, I just had to sit there and watch as my ducks went for a few dollars. Fuck it hurt so bad you have no idea. Friday came, we were going to a different sale, I was ment to take 1 lot of ducks. This was killing me. I had planned to take a group at a time but it hurt to much so I went and got a load of cages, put the ducks in the duck house and went in after them with my crates. I crated them up into groups. My first eggs to hatch were in there looking at me like...whats going on. I couldnt hold back, I went slow, caught them all 1 at a time, 2 groups of Runners, 2 groups of Pekins. Poor Elliott & Gemini, I felt so sorry for them, they were my babies, my tame ducks that I could pick up, give kisses and hugs to, who lived in the house untill they were nearly 3 months old, who followed me everywhere and came when I called. I separated them and put them in crates with 2 girls each. That night I sat there at the sale and when it was time for my ducks to go thru and get sold I walked away. I did not want to see who bought them. The ducks sold, I got my money and walked away and left them there to be carted away to the unknown. I did all my adult ducks in 1 fowl swoop, I couldnt go to a sale every week and sell them bit by bit, I had to get them all gone NOW!!! To much heart ache to do it a little at a time.

That night I sold the Pekins and the babies Mary shouted Dana, he owns a petting zoo, she would talk to him for me. I went outside, she did the talking. He was told not to look at me or even speak to me or I would burst out crying. He left my seat, I walked round the building and I sat back down. Mary said he would take them. He would be there at 7am on Saturday. Saturday came, I was dreading it but it had to be done. He came and had a look, 3 minis and a pony mule and 2 wether goats. Blue would go down to Mary & Sonnys, another neighbour down the street and the 3 does were already at Marys getting bred, they would now stay there. So Dana packed up the horses and goats and off he went. That was them gone. I told a lie, a fucking huge white lie to my husband. He got home, walked in the door and said...the goats are out!!. I told him I took them down to Marys along with the minis, the goats were all in with hers and the minis were down in the back pasture for the winter, I would bring them back home next summer once the pasture has had a rest and the grass could grow. The following day i went down to Marys, we went out to the pasture to get Beau my Quarter horse. I told her she could have him. We tied him up on the wash rack and we branded him with Marys brand. I handed her his papers. Done.

All I had left to rehome was 4 Sebastopol geese, 15 Runners and 2 babies and Emma. I advertised the geese on Back Yard Chickens for sale. Some lady up in North Carolina wanted them, we haggled on a price and she would be down next weekend, that weekend came but she never, she sent me an email that she would be down next weekend, then an email the day before, she couldnt come, I was starting to panic. Hurricane Irene was heading our way, the lady wasnt going to leave her farm and come and get them. I was like FUCK YOU! I told my friends in th duck group what was happening and Kim said she would buy them. She was also taking my ducks minus 3 drakes. OK, fine, now to figure out how to get them up there. Kim was going to come down to get them in her car, I knew they wouldnt fit, not now the geese were going to . I would take them up there. It would give Mary and I a day out. So Monday came, we packed up the geese, then the older Runners and split the younger ones into a big double cage for the journey. Piled in the food, incubator, feed pans and off we went to West Virginia to visit Crow and her family and animals. I told Crow I was probably going to cry but I promised myself I wouldnt. We had a great day out, me and Mary laughed so hard that day, over things we had done over the 4 years we had been friends, all my heart ache was gone while we laughed our way to West Virginia and back home again. We finaly got there and started to unload ducks, ducks and more ducks, then the geese. They all took off across the yard in their own groups along with  Crows group of ducks, pigglets, dogs, goats. HA!!! It was so funny, it was like everyone was on a mission to go somewhere, like in a big city where its a busy life and everyone just walks past each other minding their own business. We had a great few hours there, we ate homemade goats cheese and crackers and she had also made meatballs, pasta and homemade bread for lunch. We got our photo taken on this beautiful wooden bench...Crow, you need to email it to me, then we sat down for lunch. Crow said to me, thats for you and pointed at a wrapped gift on the table. She said Ive blessed it for you so it helps with your aches and pains. I thought I was going to burst out crying there and then. I gave her a knowing look and said Thank You and shoved a piece of bread in my mouth before  the tears exploded. I sat and ate my lunch. We finished lunch, went to check on the animals, take photos and all too soon it was time to go. I had kept myelf busy while I was there that I never had time to cry. I didnt need to cry, I knew they were at a good place. Crow would look after them. Then next morning I took the necklace and pendant out of its wrapping while Boyd was in town. I held it up and looked at it and said, I hope its going to heal my heart Crow and I just sat there and cried. Crow always tells me its for...My highest and best good. I tell myself that everyday and 1 day I know it will make sence. Thank You Crow, xxx Also Thank You Mary for coming with me, yes, I know I had to take you, I would of only got lost other wise but we had a good time. Sorry you ended up looking like a Panda from all the laughing we did and even if I could see in the dark I wouldnt of told you and I would of said lets stop at Waffle House for coffee and I wouldnt of said a word while I sat there watching the Panda across the table from me. xxx

Saturday 10th September

I found Emma a great home the other week!
I sent an email to the local Boxer Rescue asking if they could take Emma in, I cried while doing this. I had made up my mind that if they couldnt take Emma in I was going to get her put to sleep. The rescue told me they couldnt take her in but could put her photo and a write up on their site for people to see. Thats what I done and I waited for someone to see it and contact me. The next morning I got up, turned on the pc, checked my email and there it was!! A long email from a family in Charleston, the email told me all about their family, about their dog they had lost not long ago, where they lived, what they all did. I cried..again! I contacted the family asking if they could come and see Emma. WOW!! They were coming up that weekend. I waited for them to drive into the yard, I was in agony having to do this, Emma is my baby girl but I knew ..Its for my highest and best good and also Emma's.. The family turned up, I told myself not to cry...I did. They came into the house and they all collapsed on the floor. Emma was beside herself. She did the kidney bean dance for everyone, she huffed and puffed and blew snotters on them in her excitment, she gave big slobbery kisses, she jumped all over them and they just sat there in the doorway rolling round on the floor with her. I knew this was the family for Emma. She will get to go walk and run on the beach, she will get to take the kids to school in the car, Emma loves the car, she loves walks....something I dont do very often with her but its now something she is going to do on a daily basis. They are a lovely family with very big hearts. I am excited that Emma is going to go to the beach for walks, I have told her every day...your going to the beach and she looks at me and does her little dance, she doesnt know what the beach is, shes never been but I know that once they say to her, are you going to the beach and she gets to see it and run and play and get covered in sand that the next time they say..are you going the beach, she is going to be sooo excited. Ive just sent them an email saying 7 more days to go, I am excited for them, excited for Emma and in a way I am excited too but im also broken hearted to have to do this. Next Saturday is going to be a hard day for me but it has to be done.

Its nearly 2 weeks that the ducks and geese have been gone, the pools are still outside in the yard, probably covered in green slime, I havent been able to go out there and empty them. I look out into the horses pasture and see nothing. The day after the horses left I looked out and there was a deer out there. She was looking round as if to say, where is everyone. She was there for a few hours just roaming round, looking nervous, probably looking for them, she even went and looked into the stalls. I had seen her out there a few times when the horses where here but since the day after they left I havent seen her again. I felt sorry for her out there, looking for her friends, I hope she has moved on to find new friends.

The last 3 drakes I was left with, I took them up to Greenville Fair last weekend. Dana had bought a load of my ducks at a sale 1 night so when he took the horses I said I would give him what ever ducks I had left. Cloud, Sealy and Dove were taken up there last week.

Sonny my 1 remaining cat, part of my baggage I brought over from Scotland with me, he would of been 14 this month. I took him the vets last Saturday and had him put to sleep. I couldnt leave him here, it wouldnt be fare, on Sonny or me. He got wrapped in his blanket and taken down into the woods to be with Ben my other cat that got knocked over on the road back in June. R.I.P Sonny, Im soo soooo sorry I couldnt take you back home with me.
It broke my heart, I cut my cats life short so I could go back home, did I have any right to do that in his old age, I have felt the guilt build up inside me every day since I did that deed and its killing me. It took Boyd 5 days to even notice that I hadent been out to feed Sonny!!!!!!!!

These past few weeks Ive been busy, Mary has kept me busy and my mind off things. She had a cook out at her barn for me last week. Bryan, Marys son came up from Alabama with his wife Wendy, I didnt know they knew what was going on. We had a good day, we ate and were merry, telling stories with good friends. We had a great day. The next day Mary and I along with Bryan & Wendy went back to the Fair and Rodeo and thats when I found out that Bryan & Wendy knew, yep, I cried, they understood and let me cry. Thank You to you both for coming up for the weekend, I love you both. Also thank you to the people who came and ate and be merry with us at the barn. Love you all too.
Mary & I went to pick Crystal, her daughter up this week so we could go and get her baby crib, Mary told me I had to tell Crystal, I couldnt, I didnt know what to say to her. We told her on the way to drop her off, More crying. Im at the point that you only have to look at me and I cry. Good luck to Crystal & Justin and I want to see lots of photos when the baby arrives.

So, I am now down to 7 days, Ive got alot to get done in those 7 days. I have the Rodeo again with Mary tonight. Mary has been my god send, she has kept me and my mind busy, Sunday I have church, then Sunday night I have choir practise. A new lady has come back to the church and is taking the choir back over, she said we have to practise EVERY WEEK. So this Sunday I will be going to practise, I wont be back at church again, but Im going to practise, Me and Mary keep laughing about it, but hey, what can you do. Sunday afternoon I have to help Mary clean the barn, she has someone coming to see her horses and possibly buy some so at least I will be busy Sunday. Today after I finish typing this I have to run round the house and get some of my stuff together, I have 1 bag packed and down at Marys, I will be leaving with 2 bags of clothes, thats what I came to America with...plus the cats. Im going home again with 2 bags, minus the cats.  I have to get as much done today as I can, I cant do anything during the week while hes home in the way of packing bags, he doesnt know Im leaving. Enough said on that topic. This week will be spent picking up the dozen pine cones I have let Emma chew up this week, along with the sticks she has brought in. The house will be clean for when I leave, I might even get the grass cut. The pools will be emptied and taken the dump. All that will be left is Bear & Locksley. I have to leave him something to love. He will need them and they will need him. I feel guilty leaving the other 2 dogs but what can I do. I also have my gold fish! I bought some gold fish when I moved here to replace the ones I had back home. This gold fish has been here the same amount of time I have. I dont know what Im going to do with it yet. I might take him down to Mary & Sonnys and put it in their pond.
Now to wait for next Saturday morning, Its going to be hard but my old life and home is just across the pond. I leave Saturday 17th Sept at 6.30pm, I will get home around 3pm the following day. To the folks over here im sorry Im leaving you all, It feels like im just running out on you, but I cant help it. Its for my higher and better good!. For the people back home, if you see me, say hi as if nothing has every happened and walk on, dont make me cry, treat me like Ive never been away. DO NOT ask what happened or what I did with all my animals, if you have read this you will know, so dont break my heart even more by asking.    

The last bit of this Blog I will do next week once Emma goes and before I pack my pc up. then I go and leave for my flight. My journey is nearly over!