Home is where the heart is and my heart is here. Im glad to be home in Scotland, back to where I was raised. I dont regret leaving home and going away for 8 years, I had alot of good times while I was away.
The weather is turning here, I still havent worn a jacket. People in town look at me like im some sort of freak for walking round with just a short sleeved top on while they are all bundled up in their winter clothes..well, I say winter. Over here you can wear winter clothes all year but I havent had the need to do so yet. I think my internal thermostat is all set wrong. I sit in my room sweating with the window open. Its open all day and night so I can feel the cool air and night time is the best. I can hear the geese flying over, going back to the reserve to roost for the night. I need to go there, maybe 1 day, when I have a job, saved some money and got a car again I can go and see them as well as the ducks and the wild ponies they have there now.

I miss my ducks and geese.
I all the animals I had to give up.
I miss Emma.

Emma is in a good place, she gets lots of walks and loves, all that she needs. I get updated with photos, some days I can look at them, other days I cant. The mind starts to wonder, making me sick and I have to go do something else to change the subject in my mind. Shes fine. I know she is. Its me whos not fine, I just cant handle it all yet, some days its like it was all a dream, that its not real and maybe I will wake up out of it and the guilt will go away.
Some days the guilt is so thick it makes me mad, burns me up inside and the mind wonders with the what ifs of it all. Not the what If I had stayed, that has not entered my head once. I havent even thought of that side of it, I was hardened to that side, my animals where the softer side of me and the guilt that I upped and took them all away from what they knew.
I dont know why I torture myself over it all, its just the way I am. I have to stop or Im going to spiral down to some unknown inner me and loose myself in it all.

So going back to what I was saying. I lie in bed of a night and I wait for the geese to fly over, going home for the night in the safety of the reserve to roost for thr night, then they fly back over the house in the morning while im sat out on the bench in my mums front yard having my morning smoke. Those are my 2 happy times of the day. Small things amuse small minds. I dont mind.

Ive not been doing much during the day other than goose watching, this past week Ive read a book a day. I bought the Twilight series of books at the sale at Hatton Town Hall when I was there last weekend for all of $5 and Ive sat and read 1 a day. Im now to the point of ..I need to go join the library, my 4 books that I own are all finished.

Ive been applying for jobs. Ive had 1 interview...I didnt get the job! That was not a shock as he told me I wasnt what they were looking for in the candidate...he said in his thick Glasweigen accent. Hey buddy, at least i talk the Queens English. They were looking for me to turn up in a suit and tie I think. I dont own a suit or a tie...maybe I should go shopping.

Oh, Ive just remembered.
 I cant open a library account. I dont have anything with my name and address on in my married name. I cant even open a bank account for the same reason. I signed on so I can get some money, they wanted to put it in my bank account...I dont have 1 so Im sat here, 2 weeks later still with no money. Is my cheque lost in the post to my mums house or are they still waiting for me to fill in the bank form to deposit it there.

As I said, Im glad to be home. Im living at my mums, thats a good thing too as I dont have anywhere else to go to. I Love my mum & Ron but living with your parents when you are 39 years old is...I dont know how to put it. But thats where I am in my life. I get up, have coffee, have a smoke, read the paper, go online, look for a job, check email and Facebook. Full Stop. Literaly.

So my next move, when ever that happens will be, to get a job, save some money, turn up homeless and wait to be given a house so I can build up to what i had before I left. Nice car, Nice house, me and my cats and 2 jobs. I would go back to that day in a heartbeat.
Maybe I will win the Lottery. I need to play it first, maybe then I will win. Then I can go back to what I was back then instead of sat here, still looking round like im lost, not knowing what to do with my life. Sat waiting for the geese to fly over. I will be hearing crickets in my head next, damn that would drive me crazy, I will take the geese any day of the week.

Im glad im home. I just wish things would happen so I can move forward with my life.  


Anonymous said...

If it is any help, the geese are SOOooo happy. I have been getting leftover produce from a number of markets in the area and chopping it up to supplement their feed as the grass and herbs die back...
Fresh cabbage, cucumbers, apples, starfruit, canteloupe (they love the canteloupe guts), tomatoes - they come running when they see the big food pans heaping with fresh stuff. We love having them here. So, let go of that guilt, I think it was awesome all the way around


Dunx said...

Hey Nicky,
Glad your home safe and well and you're back with people who love you and have missed you!! I'll be up the road soon and with my thick glaswegiam accent I'll say "wecome home" and give you the best hug you've had in 8 years!!

You've always been strong and now is no different, you'll get through this and come out the other end stronger!!

Chin up and I'll see you soon.

Donna Smith (Malloy) xx

Crow said...

Ah, Nicky, it will take time, for sure. It doesn't make it any easier. You have to process a whole bunch. So time is good, everyday, watching geese and reading books. It sounds peaceful. It is peaceful enough for you to get your house (so to speak) in order.

I think we all held out breath the day you left.

Just yesterday I sat out side and watched the runners. They are so amazing in their little group discussing love and politics. The trouts have now joined the silvers who have joined my original runners. Sometimes the whites will join them. But ole cricky and squintmeister are always with the geese. I am glad you brought the whites here, because they will help the boys transition when the geese have to be separated. I love them enough for both of us. Yopu still have ducks and geese, I am just caring for them right now. The geese have all have started to trust me. It took awhile. They know I am not you. I think we have 3 boys and 1 girl! LOL! So, I am looking around to see if I can get a few more girlies. I have a note in to Holderreads and am on the waiting list. Oh my gosh they are eating like Kings! Rusty and I chop up all the fruit and veggies every night and bring them 3 trays mixed with grower and layer. They LOVE it! We can't help but feel happy around them. Rusty has come to grown to like ducks and geese! Remember when you sent the first hatch? LOL! He was like DUCKS? I was like, "yes, a lovely lady is sending them to me" LOL "Oh, well that was nice." hehee! It was nice. You introduced me to a new world, and watching the flocks graze and forage during the day, is so relaxing. I hope you get to go see the geese soon.

I know you will be back to yourself, whoever that "self" is. You are rediscovering her. Wear the necklace and light a candle while the geese fly over and remember how many people love you, simply because you are you. Then let some of that love in for yourself, then forgiveness will come. You may feel like you are not doing much, but I feel like you are processing a whole bunch of stuff, that needed to be attended to. Be gentle, and patient, but most of all, take your time. Soon you will be busy and running, so take this time as yours. Everything will fall into place. Just listen to your higher self, and she will lead you to your highest and best good.

Love and Light, ~crow

Star Ranch said...

Hey girl keep your head up keep telling yourself what I would tell you. You are tuff like me and everything will work out. I miss having you here helping me and our adventures. Having fun and laughing and the crazy things we have done. I have been sitting and wondering whether or not to go get the trailer from Ken for the Christmas float. It will be lonesome in the barn by myself and not hearing you say it's to cold to work.lol Beau is having a great time being the big boss of the mares.
I miss you Nicky more than you will ever know. Remember what I would say things will get better tell your mum to get bunkbeds so when I come over I have somewhere to sleep.